Pockets of Doom

Well.. I should be blogging about my trip to Colorado for Christmas but I really don't feel like it right now. I am feeling very lazy and long winded. I warn you not to read this post unless you are looking to be bored.
Instead of the vacation I will talk about pockets. I love pockets. Pockets are great. They hold things that I need so I don't have to carry them. This frees my hands to do important things like open doors, drive cars, stop the ground from hitting my face when I fall, etc. etc.
Like most men I have a system when it comes to my pockets. Keys go in the right, phone in the left, wallet in the back right. When I have my PDA on me, as I often do, the PDA goes in the left, phone and keys in the right, and wallet in the back right.
This system works very well for me as my keys and wallet are always in my right pockets. Whenever I leave a place like my house, or my friends house, or I arrive at a destination I do the man pat. You know what I'm talking about. The quick tap of my thighs and ass to ensure my pockets have the appropriate bulge. I personally do 5-6 taps, checking my front pockets twice. This usually takes less than 3 seconds and I often don't even realize I do it. When all the pockets check O.K. a lower level of consciousness sits quietly by waiting to perform the next trivial task so my higher levels of consciousness are free to continue the conversation I am having, contemplating the Universe, or doing calculus.
When my pocket check reveals a deficiency a whole different process takes place. That little background task manager of my mind elevates its priority level to a higher consciousness. If the deficiency is a critical one, like my keys or my wallet the thought gets the highest priority and my mind sees if fit to elevate my bodies readiness levels. My heart rate quickens, my breathing deepens and I could swear a very minuscule amount of adrenaline is released.
Once my awareness is sufficiently heightened my mind begins the process of trying to locate the missing item. This usually takes only a second or two of tracing my last steps from memory and is often accompanied by a more frenzied pat down of all my pockets, including those not usually in the line up.
At this point I am sure you are wondering how the hell I could have gone on so long about pockets and still had nothing of interest to say. Well, its a gift, but now we get to the whole point of the matter and you get to use your mind's eye to laugh at me.
Imagine me standing outside a store randomly slapping my body while I gaze absently at the sky. When I say slapping my body I mean all over my body. When I am in panicked pocket check mode I check everywhere I have had pockets, and that is alot of places. I slap both breasts, my upper thighs, both butt cheeks, grab my pant legs (looking for cargo pockets) and will lastly slap the center of my chest. Thats right the center of my chest. When I was in the Marine Corps I didn't put my pen in my pocket, I clipped it between the first and second button on my blouse, and I find I still do that occasionally when I am wearing a polo or buttoned shirt. I got used to checking my breastbone for the item I am looking for.

I came to be completely aware of my odd behavior yesterday while standing in front of Target randomly slapping myself and receiving odd looks from passing shoppers. The whole process usually doesn't last long enough for other people to notice, but my keys where missing and I was panicked thinking I had locked them in the car.. but I couldn't have because i locked the car using the remote.. but I don't have the keys so they must be locked in the car.. maybe the fell out of your pocket.. but I never took anything out of my pocket while I was in the store, I only returned a gift and that was in a bag so they must be locked in the car... As you can see my mind was stuck in a loop.. then my autopilot pocket search realized I was wearing a jacket.
The keys where in my jacket pocket. For some reason I find it completely natural to stick stuff in my jacket pocket. I do it without thinking and without realizing something is in there. I don't usually wear a jacket, it hasn't been part of my daily wardrobe since high school so why am I so eager to use my jacket pockets?
Its a frustrating place to be in because every time I get out of the car I put my keys in my jacket pocket and when I go to find them later I panic because I can't find my keys. This is not something I am used to. I am not a panic prone guy so having these daily alarms is getting really annoying plus I look like an idiot every time it happens.
I think I will stop wearing a jacket and just catch a cold.