Long live the Spatula King

Some of you may remember a certain email from about 7 years ago that made little sense but was still highly entertaining. It was the one where I, the Spatula King, was pondering my Breakfast Kingdom and was in search of members of my court.
I feel that as a King it is my duty to regale you from time to time with tales from my kingdom. Today I bring you the tale of Edward, the brave spatula who exemplifies the spirit and spatulicity of all spatulas!

Photos from Seattle

As promised I uploaded a few of my favorite photos from my trip to Seattle.

/rant off

I have been trying to come up with a way to make this post without ranting and I just don't think I can do it. Its about the commerce driving the rhythm games Rock Band and Guitar Hero.
This next bit is some history and you can all probably skip it and head to the end where I start my rant.

/History
Harmonix produced Rockband 1 and 2 and kickstarted this whole craze which caught me by storm also. They realized that people wanted more out of the game and that there was a renewed passion for music in their audience so in the effort to give the people what they want they sold off the guitar hero rights to developer Neversoft and started a new project that would give a full band experience: Rockband (this also had the side effect of getting them out from under all the crazy licensing restrictions they had to accept before anyone believed this game concept would work). Neversoft churns out guitar hero 3 into what Harmonix realized was a market going stale only to see Harmonix's new project once again take over the gaming world and reach the holy grail of video games... casual gamers and hard core gamers alike.
Following suit and trying to maintain the marketshare they thought they had purchased Neversoft releases a full band game that also includes a microphone and drums to give the full band experience: Guitar Hero World Tour. This project is definitely rushed.
Here is where the problem starts. Due to a bunch of lawyers getting into the thick of things, a licensing battle ensues and Guitar Hero World Tour is released with their own set of guitars, drums, and microphone that aren't quite cross compatible with the game everyone already owns (Rockband). In an effort the separate themselves from their competitor they give the guitar a touchpad to use for special effects (that doesn't really enhance the gameplay at all) and add an extra "button" to the drums.
After an uproar from the customers, they get the liscensing thing worked out and when Rockband 2 gets released we find that it is able to use the Guitar Hero drums.

/Rant On
So the state of the gaming world works like this.. Guitar Hero World Tour comes out after Rock Band and everyone gets mad for being forced to by new instruments for the same game, so after a while the Xbox and PS3 got psudo patches to the game that would fix the problem and allow the guitars to work on all games. The Wii versions where delayed so long that it was released with this feature worked in. However, due to the greediness of Neversoft, the Guitar Hero series only works with the Guitar Hero drums since it was designed with an extra "button" giving it 6 drums to simulate instead of Rockband's 5 buttons. If your confused your not alone. Here is a handy chart to help sort out the compatibility mess. It is very sad that something like this is necessary.
http://www.wired.com/gamelife/2008/11/official-guitar/
http://www.joystiq.com/Instrument-Compatibility-Matrix/#Wii

This isn't too much of a problem, the simple solution is to buy the Guitar Hero drums. Unfortunately.. today... you practically can't.
The drums are available as a stand alone instrument for $90. NINETY FUCKING DOLLARS!
Guitar Hero World Tour was sold in a special edition Band Kit version that includes the game itself (normally $50), the drum kit, a guitar, and a microphone for $130.
"Great" you say, "Lets get that". You can't. It is pretty much discontinued now. If you didn't buy it last year, good luck (you could probably get it online, but for some reason that seems silly when I have 3 Best Buys and 5 gamestops within 5 miles of my house). You can't order it from the stores, according the best buy the item is listed as "deleted". Well fuck off. All I wanted to do was buy the damn drums so I could play drums with the new games that just came out Beatles Rock Band. Sure.. i could buy the Beatles rockband full band kit for $140, but the drums won't work with the 2 guitar hero games I already own. The only set of drums that works with all versions of these rythm games is the World Tour drums.. and the only way to get them is pay an outrageous sum of money.. if you can find it instock. (Of the 8 stores mentioned before, only 1 of them has the $90 peices of plastic in stock).

Angered by all of this mess I decided I would just buy Beatles Rock Band and a microphone. Screw the drums.. no one really likes to play them except for me.
So I go to Best Buy to get Beatles Rockband. It is $60. Ouch. I look for a microphone. There are no microphones (except for a $60 Xbox360 wireless one).
What the HELL?!?! One of the HUGE feature of Beatles Rockband is the ability to sing Harmonies! The catch is you need more microphones (you can use up to 3 with the game for the full on Beatles 3 part harmonies).
You would think that a store would put the one accessory people would be most interest to buy out with the game that could potentially generate 2 purchases of said accessory with each sale. If you thought that you are over qualified to act as a Best Buy store manager. No.. what you should do is ignore the fact that most of your customers will want a second or third microphone for the game and only stock the game itself.
As the consumer you do have the option of trying to find a generic Logitech USB microphone.. it doesn't have to be a special one to work with the game. Coincidentaly, Best Buy had some microphones in stock.. in the musician center on the other side of the store. The microphones where $60. (If you could find one sold specifically for the games, they go for $20).

Faced with the reality that the only way to get my wife to play the game with me was to spend $120 for the just the game and the microphone I opted to spend the full $140 to buy the Beatles Rock band Full band kit. This is essentially the Rock band 2 band kit including the drums that only work on rock band games.
Oh.. I forgot to mention the Beatles Rock band Limited Edition set! It is $230! What do you get extra? NOTHING! The guitar is shaped like the Violin Bass that Paul McCartney used and the drum set has a large round piece of plastic that looks like the Beatle's iconic Ludwig drum. Oh.. and its wireless instead of wired. I guess that 1 extra bluetooth modules for the drum set cost alot.

I realized today that come Christmas a new Guitar Hero full band game will be released and I will once again have the opportunity to guy the Guitar Hero drums for a reasonable price. Yah free trade.

because its early

I am posting this morning because I woke up at 5:15 am for no damn good reason. I was really hoping to get a good nights rests last night because I have a party to go to tonight and I don't want to crash early. Apparently my body has different plans. This is an important bit of information to know when reading the post because it helps explain why I am posting. I don't have anything really new to share or any great thoughts I need immortalized on the interwebs... I am just awake at 5:30 am on a Saturday and have nothing to do. Its too early for cartoons, I don't want to play video games for fear of waking up Kristina and its too early to start on any good chores (once again.. for fear of waking my wife).

I got my diploma in the mail yesterday. I guess I am now officially a graduate. There was a small snafu with my degree at the very end. Apparently one of 17 layers of administrative staff didn't pass my grade along so it was still listed as "NR" (I assume that means not received) and a hold was placed on my degree. A quick call to my instructor and it was cleared up by the next day, but I was pretty mad for about 3 days (1 day to find out, 2 days to get it fixed). The registrars office did send me a nice letter though. Nice thick stationary, dark and bold print, oh by the way you don't have a degree yet. Its nice to know that in these economic times the university still finds the money to spend on fancy stationary.
Just for the hell of it, here is a picture from graduation:


Work is good. I got moved from the BOI group to FRACAS. I am pretty sure it stands for Failure Reporting Analysis and Corrective Action System. We are basically level 3 tech support for rescue 21. This is actually a good thing for me since it allows me to work on RF issues (my new area of responsibility on the team). It is a much better utilization of my unique skill set and knowledge base and I think I will be more productive with this group.

On another completely unrelated topic, one of the benefits of GD is a free gym membership. Luckily it is to the same gym that Kristina has been going to for a while now. I have had 3 sessions with a personal trainer and that man is an evil son of a bitch. I bought 3 more sessions with him.
I have wanted to see a trainer for a while because I know I have some really bad workout habits that stem from some injuries I sustained a while ago and I need help correcting them. I can already feel a difference in my left knee. The last session involved a lot of squats and I have had no unusual stiffness or pain in the joint. Come to think of it, that may be because I just can't move afterward.
The gym really isn't my thing, and I don't enjoy going. I have never really enjoyed exercise just for the sake of exercise and I have grown to just about loath running. I have a number of friends who really enjoy it, and I have experienced the runner's high but I still don't consider running very fun. It is hard for me to find the motivation to just go do it. Unfortunately, I know it is a necessary evil, especially with my ever expanding gut so I will just do what I always do. Suck it up and keep going. That won't mean I won't stop bitching and moaning about it though, and I may stick to other forms of light cardio.

Conundrums and befudlements

I may have blogged about this before, but if I have the answer still hasn't been brought to my attention. Why does the English language refer to trousers as a PAIR of pants (plural)? At some point in our history was there a singular pant that only covered one leg? How come shirts get a singular term? They cover 2 arms? Pants are a singular item. They can not be split into 2, like say.. a pair of shoes. I can throw a singular shoe at you, but I cannot through a pant at you. I think this is unfair to pants. Pants are getting a bad rap because of the shortcomings of our language.
The same problem exists with all leg wear that isn't female based (dress, skirt, etc.)
I realize these items provide arguments based on holes. A skirt or dress has one individual enclosure for both legs, where a pair of pants has 2. So why isn't it a pant with a pair of pant legs instead of a pair of pants with a pair of pant legs.
English is a silly language some times.

Buff Ref

Football is back!!
Hooorraaaaayy for football!
No, not that wussie stuff you Europeans call football. That is called SOCCER.

No.. I mean the NFL, Gridiron showdowns, pigskin faceoffs, John Madden, Furbie the sideline reporter, and last but not least BUFF REF!!

There is much hoopla (yes, I just said hoopla) over buff ref. He is referee number 85. You may know him for his involved explenations of each offense including the occasional pantomime of the offending action. You probably know him better for the pythonic biceps he tries to tuck into his zebra stripes. There is much speculation in our little group of football watchers on whether or not he actually sees all the calls he makes, or if he is just looking for an excuse to flex his guns on national TV while giving the face masking signal.

Who is this man that has us all so intrigued? He is Edward G. "Ed" Hochuli. He was born in Wisconsin but graduated high school from Canyon del Oro High School in Tucson, AZ.
He went to college at the University of Texas, then came back to AZ and went to the U of A for his Juris Doctor in 1975. In 1976 he was admitted to the state bar.
Thats right ladies. Not only does he have a 6'1", 215-pound linebacker's body, not only is he a referee for the NFL.. but he is a lawyer. He is a partner in a Phoenix firm specializing in civil law; Jones, Skelton and Hochuli.
Now we know the man behind the muscle. We no longer have to call him "Buff ref." We can use better names like.. Ed.. or the Edinator.. or Ed "gonna sue you for that personal foul , 10 yards repeat the down" Hochuli. Sadly we probably won't get to see him in person. Because of his prominence in the Arizona legal system the NFL tries not to assign him to Cardinals games. Oh well, there is always HDTV.

In my research I found this sports illustrated article on his work out schedule. Man do I feel like a wuss now. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/players/01/10/nfl.workout0116/index.html

Your welcome Eve.

Shoot 'em up

To quote Phil Villarreal of the Arizona Daily Star: "Not one second of the film is anything other than ludicrous, which is exactly why it rocks."

This movie is an action comedy. Not like rush hour where there is some action and some comedy. No.. the action IS the comedy. It is so over the top, so ludicrous, so unbelievable that almost every action sequence had me laughing. Well, actually, this was only if I wasn't cringing at some horrible bit of gore.. like a carrot through a guys head but as soon as I was done cringing I was laughing again. This movie is a ridiculous film that doesn't let things like "premise" or "gravity" get in the way of fun story telling. I know some people will see this and not like the film. This is because they will be fundamentally incapable of accepting the movie for what it is or are just to prude for the standards of our roman-esque society. I guess they could lack that the 12 year old video game violence humor that drives the film, but I doubt it. Those people probably wouldn't be going to see the movie anyway.. unless maybe dragged there by a significant other, in which case the significant other is to blame and not me.

All in all there is no way this movie is 5 star material.. which is exactly why you need to go see it.
Seriously.. the guy gets into a gunfight while having sex, never stops pleasing the lady, then caps it off with a terrible one liner. What a great way to end the summer movie explosion.

I don't think its ever going to happen

You know all those posts I've been promising you? Well, if you haven't figured it out by now, they probably aren't going to happen. I forgot how much time a job can eat up. Its not just the 10 hours a day I am away from home.. its all that stuff I no longer get done now that I am away from home 10 hours a day.
When its all said and done I have no desire to rant into the etherweb and half the time forget I even have one of these blog things. I remember ever other day or so when I check everyone else's blog but actually committing to a post? I am too busy trying to commit to dinner!

I have not been playing alot of video games or watching TV lately (although Kristina might disagree). Instead I have been reading. "What?!?! Summer reading?!?!" you might explain with prodigious amounts of gusto and inquiry. Neh, I say. It is but trashy science fiction books and even worse fantasy books. The literary equivalent of flavored spun sugar (mmm... cotton candy). Just like the fluffy confection they hold absolutely no benefit for you, in fact they can be down right bad for you but they are still satisfying in that sinfully indulgent way.

What a relief

I am done with finals. I had my last one yesterday.
Today I am sitting in my underwear, and planning on drinking beer all day while I work on absolutely nothing.

Unfortunately I don't think that plan will work. I have a bunch of errands to run, including going in for a urinalysis test for a new job, changing the oil on my wife's car (both of which require me to be sober as they require driving), and packing for my trip to New York (I leave tomorrow). Why can't I just enjoy my day off?

BTW.. for that new job: I got an internship with General Dynamics in Phoenix. I will be working at the Advanced Information Systems facility doing some final test procedures and requirement verification on satellites (as in for NASA).
Pretty scary isn't it?

As for the aforementioned trip, I guess it qualifies as a vacation. The wife and I are flying to Buffalo, NY for Bev and Don's second wedding. Really it is just a reception for all of Don's family that couldn't make it out to the Phoenix wedding. Its a great excuse to visit the eastern seaboard and generally get out of the desert. I am looking forward to the green scenery, cool weather, and Canadian beer. We will be visiting Niagara falls, spend a day in Canada (Toronto), and be drinking copious amounts of alcohol with fellow Irishmen (Don's family is Irish too!).
This won't be my first time east of the Mississippi or out of the country but it will be for my wife. I know she is looking forward to the culture shock.

I guess I should go put some pants on, drink some water, and go buy some oil... or maybe I will just let wal-mart do it. Its my day off.

Its February

Its February. The month that got screwed. Wikipedia has a nice entry on the month, including this ever so important segment on the the pronunciation:]

Many people pronounce "February" with a round 'u' instead of an open 'u' vowel, which forces the first 'r' to be eclipsed, viz. 'FEB-yoo-air-ee' instead of 'FEB-roo-air-ee.' That is, it elides into first half of the trailing diphthong. Otherwise, the flanking mid vowel ('e') and back vowel ('u'), combined with the final -ry syllable (front vowel 'ee') make the 'br' difficult for Anglophones to pronounce in the first place. The problem does not usually arise for Scotiaphones, however. The Scottish names for the month are "Feberwary" and "Februar," the latter usually pronounced with a long "ay" vowel in the first syllable.

February brings us great holidays. Holidays like Ground Hog Day (TODAY!), Presidents Day, and Valentine's Day, a holiday created almost solely by the greeting card, candy, and flower cartels that are the true power behind the shadow government that runs the world.

As a rule my wife and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. I don't mean we ignore it, but we try hard not to buy "Valentines Day" branded products (which is pretty much limited to cards, candy, or stuffed animals we don't need). Jewelry, flowers, and nice meals have been excluded from the "ban" list (mostly by my wife) and we try to focus on the meaning of Valentine's Day instead of its commercial components.

In other news my wife made cookies Sunday and I can't stop eating them. She also made blueberry muffins. I am eating one right now with a cup of french roast. It is delicious. I can actually relax and enjoy my morning (yes, I enjoy mornings) today because its the only day I don't have morning classes. I still wake up at 6:00 and spend half an hour coaxing my wife awake but it's nice to know I don't actually have to get up (until she asks me to go make coffee while she showers). I'm such a sucker for her. She could ask for a 5 course breakfast and I would probably get up and do it.
..mmm.. that bite had a big blueberry in it.

I almost forgot. I found the owner of the iPod. I decided that 2 weeks of no one asking lost and found for it meant they weren't really looking so I bought the dock/craddle for $30. I plug it in and find out the person used there full name to name the ipod. I searched ASU directory and pulled up a student with the name and emailed her. That was on Monday. I haven't heard anything back. I think 3 weeks of due diligence is enough and I am now claiming it as my own.

Pockets of Doom

Well.. I should be blogging about my trip to Colorado for Christmas but I really don't feel like it right now. I am feeling very lazy and long winded. I warn you not to read this post unless you are looking to be bored.
Instead of the vacation I will talk about pockets. I love pockets. Pockets are great. They hold things that I need so I don't have to carry them. This frees my hands to do important things like open doors, drive cars, stop the ground from hitting my face when I fall, etc. etc.
Like most men I have a system when it comes to my pockets. Keys go in the right, phone in the left, wallet in the back right. When I have my PDA on me, as I often do, the PDA goes in the left, phone and keys in the right, and wallet in the back right.
This system works very well for me as my keys and wallet are always in my right pockets. Whenever I leave a place like my house, or my friends house, or I arrive at a destination I do the man pat. You know what I'm talking about. The quick tap of my thighs and ass to ensure my pockets have the appropriate bulge. I personally do 5-6 taps, checking my front pockets twice. This usually takes less than 3 seconds and I often don't even realize I do it. When all the pockets check O.K. a lower level of consciousness sits quietly by waiting to perform the next trivial task so my higher levels of consciousness are free to continue the conversation I am having, contemplating the Universe, or doing calculus.
When my pocket check reveals a deficiency a whole different process takes place. That little background task manager of my mind elevates its priority level to a higher consciousness. If the deficiency is a critical one, like my keys or my wallet the thought gets the highest priority and my mind sees if fit to elevate my bodies readiness levels. My heart rate quickens, my breathing deepens and I could swear a very minuscule amount of adrenaline is released.
Once my awareness is sufficiently heightened my mind begins the process of trying to locate the missing item. This usually takes only a second or two of tracing my last steps from memory and is often accompanied by a more frenzied pat down of all my pockets, including those not usually in the line up.
At this point I am sure you are wondering how the hell I could have gone on so long about pockets and still had nothing of interest to say. Well, its a gift, but now we get to the whole point of the matter and you get to use your mind's eye to laugh at me.
Imagine me standing outside a store randomly slapping my body while I gaze absently at the sky. When I say slapping my body I mean all over my body. When I am in panicked pocket check mode I check everywhere I have had pockets, and that is alot of places. I slap both breasts, my upper thighs, both butt cheeks, grab my pant legs (looking for cargo pockets) and will lastly slap the center of my chest. Thats right the center of my chest. When I was in the Marine Corps I didn't put my pen in my pocket, I clipped it between the first and second button on my blouse, and I find I still do that occasionally when I am wearing a polo or buttoned shirt. I got used to checking my breastbone for the item I am looking for.

I came to be completely aware of my odd behavior yesterday while standing in front of Target randomly slapping myself and receiving odd looks from passing shoppers. The whole process usually doesn't last long enough for other people to notice, but my keys where missing and I was panicked thinking I had locked them in the car.. but I couldn't have because i locked the car using the remote.. but I don't have the keys so they must be locked in the car.. maybe the fell out of your pocket.. but I never took anything out of my pocket while I was in the store, I only returned a gift and that was in a bag so they must be locked in the car... As you can see my mind was stuck in a loop.. then my autopilot pocket search realized I was wearing a jacket.
The keys where in my jacket pocket. For some reason I find it completely natural to stick stuff in my jacket pocket. I do it without thinking and without realizing something is in there. I don't usually wear a jacket, it hasn't been part of my daily wardrobe since high school so why am I so eager to use my jacket pockets?
Its a frustrating place to be in because every time I get out of the car I put my keys in my jacket pocket and when I go to find them later I panic because I can't find my keys. This is not something I am used to. I am not a panic prone guy so having these daily alarms is getting really annoying plus I look like an idiot every time it happens.
I think I will stop wearing a jacket and just catch a cold.